Training Day 3: Cloaca Me Crazy!

 Today was FAR more enjoyable than yesterday. The trainings we went over were WAY more interesting & we actually got to do a wetlab where we did PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) training and got to catch chickens w/a chicken catching pole, restrain them, then swab the oropharynx & cloaca.
 We also did some training w/ dealing w/ media & the public. Basically, we treat them the same, that is to say, the public IS media nowadays. Some of the scenarios they put forth sent a chill down my spine, kind of unexpectedly. It seems that we could do everything right & still be wrong. All it takes is one single, solitary frame of a picture taken at precisely the wrong moment & someone w/ bad intentions can say whatever they want to say about what happened in that picture at that moment. For example, I was taking Xmas pictures w/ my Husky many moons past & trying to get him closer to me, I pulled him in, so he was leaning toward me & my arm was kind of around his neck at that moment. At precisely that moment, my friend snapped the pic & it looks like I am really strangling him, but I was not. Put that into someone's hands who had nefarious purposes & real trouble could come about. What is not assisting us is that the trust of the government is at an all time low & there are hundreds of thousands of conspiracy theorists out there. This is a relatively benign video taken by a premise owner during a surveillance/sampling visit of their backyard operation. This could have gone very badly for the USDA & who knows, someone could still take this information & edit it to make us look very bad. Oh & the video is far longer than anyone will actually watch, but it's merely an example of the kinds of things that we'll be faced with & we just have to grin & bear it.
 Well, I woke up at 3:30 this morning, so I'm kinda beat. Not to mention that I probably lost 3# in water weight during training. Stay classy, San Diego!

Training Day 2...or The Day I Stopped Worrying & Learned to Fear Active Shooters, Meth Labs & Pissed Off Farmers

For today & tomorrow, our class was divided in two. We each have different schedule of things to do, then we switch & do what the other team did today on Wednesday. First on my docket today was blood draws! Yay! But, I find out when we get there that it was US getting blood drawn, not us getting to draw blood. Grady was not happy. One of my colleagues was FAR unhappier about it than I am & I would NEVER poke fun of someone for having a fear of needles entering your skin & stealing your precious, precious lifeblood. After that, my group had only online training modules & a couple of videos that we had to watch as a class. ONE document contained links to 21 other items that ranged from documents/powerpoints that were a few pages, to one 146 page document to other web pages that contained links to also other docs, or still OTHER web pages with multiple links to other docs. However, it seemed like a house of mirrors, b/c some of the links & items were redundant.
 I spent hours looking at various presentations & documents. Some links lead back to places I had already been & a LOT had information that was already covered in a different document/slideshow/whatever. I was pretty much done with my work by about 1. We didn't leave the facility until 4:45.
 The trainers put a couple of shorter presentations up on a screen. One was about Worker's Comp, had to be probably over 45 min, maybe an hour. It was a slideshow with a poorly mic'd woman narrating over it. Now, this wasn't just any woman's voice. Imagine, if you will, the most boring lecture or class you've ever attended. Imagine if you attended that 12 times consecutively in one day. Now imagine if that experience were embodied in the voice of a woman narrating a slideshow about Worker's Comp. Now, multiply that by 10. At about 2 minutes, 23 seconds in, the trainer that started it could no longer handle it & said, "Hey, how about if we just email this to you guys & you just watch it later?" Our decision was unanimous. Another trainer, an older lady who hasn't really seemed to have any discernable sense of humor said, "Yeah we showed that to the last class at 3PM on Friday & we nearly died."
 Later, they showed us a training video on an "active shooter." I honestly couldn't tell if it was that or a campaign video for one of the current 9500 Republican presidential candidates, or an actual training video produced by the Feds. Fear mongering much? Then, they show us a video on general safety, which was basically, pay attention to your surroundings, if a farmer comes at you with a weapon, get the eff out, buddy system, blah blah blah. As a side note, the trainer tells us, "oh yeah & if you come across a meth lab, leave immediately & report it to the Incident Commander. If you're deployed in Iowa, they're *everywhere* & there's a good chance you could come across them. Oh, & the meth manufacturers also hit the anhydrous ammonia tanks in the fields, sometimes in broad daylight, so watch out for that too." Thanks again, IA. And here I was, a little put off balance by the Kum & Go convenience stores.
 They provided us with a roster of everyone in our class (20 of us) w/ name, address, phone #'s. At one point, I was so bored that I manually entered everyone of my classmates' info into my i-phone. It took me a little over an hour. On the upside, I listened to a LOT of Foo Fighters & Pearl Jam during the interminable boredom I experienced today AND ate lunch outside w/ some of my homies & went for a walk after that w/ a couple of them. It was a beautiful day, sunny w/ big puffy white clouds. I think it got up to about 80 degrees today. Back at home, I heard that it got up to 103. I definitely think I got the better deal on that front.
 We still don't know where or when we'll be deployed. I believe it has been 9 days since a new outbreak was detected, which is very, very good. I really hope I get deployed w/ this group. Its amazing how much we've bonded in only two days. I think I will have made some lifelong friends here in Ames.  

NAHERC Training Day 1: The Phantom Menace

Wow...It has been a DAY! So, I woke up at 4 AM Iowa time, which is 5 AM my time. Actually, I woke up before that, but I didn't look at the clock until 3:56. This is pretty typical for me when embarking on a new major league adventure. One of the coordinators I had contacted me via email & told me that they'd be picking me up this morning @ 7:30, so I didn't have to take a taxi to the other hotel. That was cool w/ me. Oh yeah, I last night I watched a couple of Mystery Science Theater 3000's to unwind. It was a good choice.
 So, I can't post much in the way of pics from the training facility, what w/ the NSA snooping about all up in mah bidness. I have a few to post.
 I met some pretty cool people today. As it turns out, for my coordinators, this is only the 3rd deployment us staff that they've managed, EVER! There are many kinks to iron out. In my class, there are 20 people. 2 vets & 18 AHT (Animal Health Technicians). The AHT's run the gamut from biologists animal scientists, former military, animal trainers, vet techs, OJT vet techs, etc. We are a diverse bunch. We even have a volunteer firefighter who has also had HazMat training.
 As it turns out, my hotel that I was in last night, I was not supposed to be in, but as I said, the communication lines have gotten crossed a few times & I was a casualty of that. A coordinator got everything sorted out for me today, but I had to move hotels at lunch. I met the rest of the class here for lunch today. It was a weird place, but not bad. They had a lime vinagrette dressing that was quite tasty! I didn't have much else. I didn't try their chicken or pizza, both of which they're supposedly famous for.
 We got issued these Windows tablet/PC things today to use for our training only here in IA & an i-phone 6 that we get to keep for an indeterminate amount of time. The i-phone is cool, of course. The Windows tablet/PC things are total pieces of fecal material. Thanks Microsoft. I belive that "microsoft" describes the company, as well as its products, on multiple levels. But, I digress. We did a LOT of HR type training today, including training verification, IT set up, ID badges, tablet orientation, i-phone orienation, & timesheets. We also did some animal welfare & an overview/SITREP. Side note: goddamn, if I see one more "Magic Mike XXL" commercial, which has played a minimum of three times during my writing of this document, I may have to murder someone.
 I met some crazy girls today or "Mean Girls" as they called themselves that I ended up grocery shopping w/ after training today. It was a lot of fun, but mostly it was just great to be out of training. We shopped at a store called "Hy-Vee," which is an absolutely terrible name for a grocery, but I wasn't driving & there prices were actually pretty decent.
 So, the Mean Girls van was full of drinkers, but here's the catch: when you're a Fed employee, YOU CANNOT TRANSPORT ALCOHOL IN A GOVERMENT OWNED/LEASED/RENTED VEHICLE. Thanks Obama. The Republican party would blame you if they caught gonorrhea from a stripper in Thailand, so I figure this is your fault too.
 Fortunately, there's a little gas station right next door to my new hotel, so it was GAME ON. I really over exaggerated that. I just walked over, bought some beer, & am drinking it as I write. & NO, I did not "expense" it. I bought it out-of-pocket.
 I guess I should talk a bit more about the Avian Flu that we are going to fight. Here's some interesting facts:
 -There are NO human cases w/ H5N8 or H5N2 (Eurasian OR North American strains)
 -There have been 309 detections of HPAI (Hightly Pathogenic Avian Influenza). This has involved 21 states
 -There have been 230 premises that are positive for HPAI
 -Congress has allocated $393 million to combat this.
 -There have been 3100 State & Fed responders to this crisis. That includes direct hires, like me, & contracted agencies (heavy equipment, disposal, equipment rental, etc).
 -This is an important part that I've seen in NO news agency: this disease doesn't particularly affect wild game birds (ducks, geese), but they harbor & transmit it.  IT KILLS RAPTORS!!! Please, if you know anyone w/ raptors, falconers, raptor rehab, please tell them to not feed ducks or other game bird meat to their raptors, because raptors are awesome & we must keep them alive.
 -MN, IA, WI & NE are the only four state to declare a state of emergency due to this epidemic.
 -One of the scarier things is that a chicken colony can go from ZERO clinical signs to 80% fatality rate, which necessitates the remainder to be humanely euthanized, in 11 days. Pretty scary, huh?

That's all folks! More tomorrow!

Insert Training Montage

Well, its official. I'm in Ames, IA to begin training with the USDA APHIS NAHERC to help combat the current avian flu epidemic! The flight here was mostly uneventful, w/ little to no turbulence. I flew out of Charlotte, NC & into Des Moines, IA, as my family & I were already in Charlotte for Tina's cousin's high school graduation.
 The airports were jam packed w/ people at a level I've only witnessed over the winter holidays! I couldn't believe it! My traveling companion, a coworker from NCSU, evidently had the misfortune of having her bag under someone else's that had a very large bottle of quite strong perfume that broke during handling. Her bag, soft sided & made of fabric, soaked up the perfume quite nicely. It absolutely reeked!
 The two of us were in a shuttle from the airport up to Ames to our hotels, along with three other ladies: Mom Jeans, White Canary & Girl, aka Candace Cooler's Cousin (she looks like a friend of mine from work--not exactly, but you know, enough to be her cousin). It was an odd ride. Our driver, who was very nice & weighed, I'm guessing, pushing near a quarter ton & he played some really irritating music. None of us appeared to be particularly happy, but everyone seemed tired to some degree. I wanted to take some pics out of a window, but Mom Jeans had her right arm suspended from the "Oh Shit" handle up over the door THE ENTIRE RIDE. Yes, we drove in an almost straight line from the airport to the hotels & she's gripping the Oh Shit handle without respite. IA is largely unimpressive, at least from what I've seen. It looks pretty much like my Mother State, IN.
 At any rate, I am checked into a different hotel than presumably most of the rest of my team-to-be. Currently, I am uncertain if I have a ride to the training facility tomorrow. I emailed someone & am awaiting response. If not, I have to take a cab to another hotel & be there before 7:30. Lovely. I've been taking some pics, but for some reason, I cannot upload them from my phone to the blog or to my Google Photos. I'll work on it. More tomorrow.

Duplicity and Dichotomy

 Duplicity and dichotomy are two ideas that we all must deal with in life, or rather, I say we all should have to deal with. Some people are just so non-confrontational as to entirely sidestep any incidence where they must realize, and then act upon, a problem rooted in one of these two sometimes very daunting dilemmas.
So, I've been reading Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, for a few months now, and have come across his digression about dichotomy which just sparked my brain into overdrive for some reason. I have personally felt very sensitive to many dichotomous situations in my life, more so than others, which unfortunately leads me to sometimes serious indecision. But, thinking about that made me think about just how there are some major dichotomies in life that aren't really discussed.
  The first thing, and this will be highly contentious, is about men and faithfulness. I could find any number of scientific articles studying the basis for infidelity in men and whether or not it truly is in our genetic structure to propagate our own individual DNA as far & wide as possible, or if it is merely easier for men to do this, especially when children are involved, with the woman being the default caregiver in the event of a split in the parents, as it has been socially acceptable in most cultures across the world. In several studies, with varying degrees of statistics, men are anywhere from 1-2 times more likely to cheat. The actual numbers are, I suppose, irrelevant because I'm certain that there are many, many more people that cheat that will never show up in any statistics because they have never disclosed it, one spouse doesn't know about it, or both people decide to never discuss it again. I'm also sure that this happens on both sides of the fence too, but I'm still in the belief that men are more likely to cheat. Period.
  Talk about digression. My central premise here is about dichotomies. So, Mr. Pirsig got me to thinking about this stuff and about in my own personal life. I've never cheated on anyone I've ever been involved with, nor has anyone ever cheated on me. However, I just got out of a long term relationship. I was supposed to be getting married in August. In both this relationship and my last major relationship, in which I planned on marrying my partner, I was very much in love and had every intention of spending my life with both of them, in turn. But, I did things, or rather, did not do things that I knew, in my heart, would erect barriers between myself and my beloved. Why did I do these things? I do not know. I thought about cheating, but never did. It's not me. But, my subconscious worked against me and found other ways to undo me.
  I now feel that I cannot trust my own duplicitous nature and I do not know how to rectify this. I was in love, deeply, yet could not do things that I found undesirable to do, that are expected of everyone, at the cost of destroying plans that I had previously felt unshakable. This relationship that I recently got out of shook me absolutely to my core, in ways I did not expect. Along with the typical aftermath of losing the most important person in my life, I lost faith in myself to ever be able to maintain a healthy relationship, and to live up to my end of the deal.
  I have always pursued very intelligent, independent women, I guess because those are the kind of women in my family. In my experience, these women are very faithful types, without overgeneralizing. But now along with lack of faith in myself to be the kind of man that I felt that I was, I also have to contend with a new lack of faith in a potential partner. I have nothing in me now that can even begin to ever consider commitment to anyone again. A really good part of me has died over the last three months and I'm not certain that it can be revived.
  I have never liked being single, in fact detested it, but now am faced with that possibility for the rest of my life, with no one to blame but myself. My dichotomy is that I want that back, but fear it like the Plague.
  It's more than just waking up with someone next to me. It's more than just physical pleasure. It's having someone to share my life and my experiences, and having someone that shares their life and experiences with me.
  I guess I should have added 'digression' to the title of this post. This wasn't where I was intending to go exactly when I was thinking about what to write. I had intended to be more philosophical and not nearly so personal. I guess right now, while discussing matters of the heart, I cannot stay away from the personal side. My pain is still too great. I don't cry on a daily basis anymore, but there is just an unending sadness that will not subside. Anything I do to distract myself is merely a band-aid on an unhealing wound. Sooner or later I will have to deal with it, I just don't know how. More & more I'm thinking of going back to be around my family, all of whom are hundreds of miles away. I never thought that I would ever return home for more than just a visit, but maybe that's about to change.

"Don't Panic"--Douglas Adams

Weird Fishing Spam

This is a slightly disturbing fisher that I received an email from today. This one bothers me for reasons I cannot put my finger on. Of course, it is again from South Africa. Seriously fishers/spammers...Do you really think that there are ANY rubes left in the world that believe ANY email originating on the entire African continent? I think not. You have become an inside joke to the world. MR WILLIAM YOUNG  reply-to willy_young2006@yahoo.com to date Tue, Feb 17, 2009 at 2:35 AM subject WE CAN WORK TOHETHER FOR OUR BENEFIT

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MR WILLIAM YOUNG
CAPITEC GROUP LIMITED SOUTH AFRICA
TEL: 27 71 085 6237 PRIVTE EMAIL: willy_young2006@yahoo.com

Complements of the day

Thank you for giving me your time. Please be patient and read my letter to you.
I am MR WILLIAM YOUNG a staff of CAPITEC Group attached in Private Banking Services. I am contacting you concerning a customer and, an investment placed under our banks management 4 years ago, I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication and I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. In 2003, the subject matteref: bb/capitec/bank/73 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of $13.35 million United States Dollars, which he wished to, have us turn over on his behalf. I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the Private Banking Services Department. We met on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. The favored route in my advice to


Please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a family man; I happily married with two kids. I send you this letter not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences might be, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray    my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should plan a meeting, soon.
I await your response.

Best regards

MR WILLIAM YOUNG

Obvious/Insulting Instructions Piss Me OFF!!!

Okay, so this morning I'm making a new product by the good people at Pillsbury. They're these delicious looking things called Flaky Twists with chocolate icing. Uh...yum. So, they're actually just the regular sized cinnamon roll in a different package & you, get this, UNroll the cinnamon ROLL and TWIST it into a...twist. Sexy, no? Anyway, on the directions for use, it states the following:

SEPARATE dough into 8 rounds; unroll into strips (some cinnamon may fall off). Really. Crap, I really wish I had read these directions fully. I took mine back to the store as being a defective product.

Me: "Good sir. I would like a return of my currency post haste. Your breakfast pastry product has malfunctioned."

Manger: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that sir. Allow me to make an exchange for you. May I ask what was the problem?"

Me: "The product that I purchased stated in print that the Flaky Twists were cinnamon. In the process of attempting to make this product, some of the aforementioned cinnamon did indeed fall from the "twists," thus rendering them less cinnamony than I believe is reasonable."

Manager: "Um...okay. I'm sorry to..."

Me: "Please return my currency equal to what I exchanged for the purchase of these "Flaky Twists."

Manager: "Yeah, I was just getting ready to...."

Me: "I will thank you to perform this post haste and bid you good day gentle sir."

Manager: "Sure, I'll get right on that, if I could just see your receipt, I'll get right to..."

Me: "I said GOOD DAY!"

So, after I received my money, I bought another package of the Flaky Twists, trusting that this would be a better experience. Perhaps the first came from a bad lot. Accidents happen. Screws fall out of machines, the electricity goes out, child laborers pass out from malnutrition or exhaustion. You know....needless to say this same scene repeated seven times before I noticed the tiny, tiny writing, "...some cinnamon may fall off." Oh. My. To quote half alien baby Maggie from the Simpson's Treehouse of Horror V (I think), "This is indeed a disturbing universe."

So, anyway with directions like that on a product that requires an oven to be 350 degrees, if you can't understand that in the process of twisting these flaky twists, YOU SHOULD BE NO WHERE NEAR AN OVEN. You should also probably be required to wear a crash helmet and never EVER have refined sugars.