Weird Fishing Spam

This is a slightly disturbing fisher that I received an email from today. This one bothers me for reasons I cannot put my finger on. Of course, it is again from South Africa. Seriously fishers/spammers...Do you really think that there are ANY rubes left in the world that believe ANY email originating on the entire African continent? I think not. You have become an inside joke to the world. MR WILLIAM YOUNG  reply-to willy_young2006@yahoo.com to date Tue, Feb 17, 2009 at 2:35 AM subject WE CAN WORK TOHETHER FOR OUR BENEFIT

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MR WILLIAM YOUNG
CAPITEC GROUP LIMITED SOUTH AFRICA
TEL: 27 71 085 6237 PRIVTE EMAIL: willy_young2006@yahoo.com

Complements of the day

Thank you for giving me your time. Please be patient and read my letter to you.
I am MR WILLIAM YOUNG a staff of CAPITEC Group attached in Private Banking Services. I am contacting you concerning a customer and, an investment placed under our banks management 4 years ago, I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication and I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. In 2003, the subject matteref: bb/capitec/bank/73 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of $13.35 million United States Dollars, which he wished to, have us turn over on his behalf. I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the Private Banking Services Department. We met on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. The favored route in my advice to


Please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a family man; I happily married with two kids. I send you this letter not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences might be, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray    my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should plan a meeting, soon.
I await your response.

Best regards

MR WILLIAM YOUNG

Obvious/Insulting Instructions Piss Me OFF!!!

Okay, so this morning I'm making a new product by the good people at Pillsbury. They're these delicious looking things called Flaky Twists with chocolate icing. Uh...yum. So, they're actually just the regular sized cinnamon roll in a different package & you, get this, UNroll the cinnamon ROLL and TWIST it into a...twist. Sexy, no? Anyway, on the directions for use, it states the following:

SEPARATE dough into 8 rounds; unroll into strips (some cinnamon may fall off). Really. Crap, I really wish I had read these directions fully. I took mine back to the store as being a defective product.

Me: "Good sir. I would like a return of my currency post haste. Your breakfast pastry product has malfunctioned."

Manger: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that sir. Allow me to make an exchange for you. May I ask what was the problem?"

Me: "The product that I purchased stated in print that the Flaky Twists were cinnamon. In the process of attempting to make this product, some of the aforementioned cinnamon did indeed fall from the "twists," thus rendering them less cinnamony than I believe is reasonable."

Manager: "Um...okay. I'm sorry to..."

Me: "Please return my currency equal to what I exchanged for the purchase of these "Flaky Twists."

Manager: "Yeah, I was just getting ready to...."

Me: "I will thank you to perform this post haste and bid you good day gentle sir."

Manager: "Sure, I'll get right on that, if I could just see your receipt, I'll get right to..."

Me: "I said GOOD DAY!"

So, after I received my money, I bought another package of the Flaky Twists, trusting that this would be a better experience. Perhaps the first came from a bad lot. Accidents happen. Screws fall out of machines, the electricity goes out, child laborers pass out from malnutrition or exhaustion. You know....needless to say this same scene repeated seven times before I noticed the tiny, tiny writing, "...some cinnamon may fall off." Oh. My. To quote half alien baby Maggie from the Simpson's Treehouse of Horror V (I think), "This is indeed a disturbing universe."

So, anyway with directions like that on a product that requires an oven to be 350 degrees, if you can't understand that in the process of twisting these flaky twists, YOU SHOULD BE NO WHERE NEAR AN OVEN. You should also probably be required to wear a crash helmet and never EVER have refined sugars.

I'm gonna be SO freakin' rich!!

Man, I can't wait to quit my job AND school! I just got this email from the UNITED BANK OF AFRICA & I'm about to inherit $30.6 million dollars minus a .5% commission fee. Hells YEAH.

MR.Bello Ibrahim
Branch Accountant,
UNITED BANK OF AFRICA {UBA}.
Lagos Nigeria ,
Email: acc_bello_ibrahim2587@rocketmail.com

Tell:+234-8089775866.
Dear Beneficiary,


I am an Accountant with UNITED BANK OF AFRICA {UBA}.,My name is MR.Bello Ibrahim am the personal Account Manager to Engineer OLIVER A .National of your country, who used to work with shell Development company in Nigeria.

Here in after shall be referred to as my client On 27th January 2002, my client, his wife, and their three children were involved in a bomb blast along ikeja express way. All occupants of the bomb blast unfortunately lost their
lives.Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended Relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they Get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged, particularly the UNITED BANK OF AFRICA {UBA}. Where the deceased had an account Valued at about ($30.6Million U Dollars) has Issued me a notice to provide the next of kin. Or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 to 3 years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at ($30.6 Million US Dollars) can be paid to you and then you and me Can share the money.50%to me and 45% to you.5%will set aside for defrayal of any expenses that may be incurred locally and internationally in course of the transfer.

An attorney will be contacted to help us revalidated and notarize all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make.


All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through.

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will
protect you.

PLEASE VIEW THESE WEBSITES BELOW TO CONFIRM WHAT I AM TELLING YOU.

In case you need more explanations, please do not hesitate to call me on my
private cell phone number +234-8089775866.

EMAIL ADDRESS: (acc_bello_ibrahim2587@rocketmail.com)

Best Regard,
Accountant Bello Ibrahim

Spammers, Phishers & E-Criminals should get capital punishment

In light of exponentially increasing e-attacks by assholes who are looking for a way to screw you hard without so much as a kiss, I have discovered that there is much hilarity to be found in the spam that they send out sometimes. Fortunately for me, there is an excellent spam filter on my email account, at least my private one, so I rarely get them in my inbox, but I occasionally go through my spam inbox to make sure that stuff is not accidentally getting sent there, & also because some of this crap you just have to share with someone special. I decided to start a collection of spam. I won't put all of them up here, but at least example of spam that you'd have to so incredibly stupid to fall for that you likely aren't sophisticated enough to manage email. I got this one today from 'FBI Headquarters.' The subject heading was 'ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION.' Yeah...right...Anyway, the encoding was wrong, so I tried to edit out all of that crap, but for some reason spellcheck didn't pick up on all of it. There may be some left. I left the remainder of it, misspellings, grammatical & punctuation errors intact. If this came from the FBI, then I guess the terrorists have already won.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING 935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001 www.fbi.gov

DATE: 06/03/2008 ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY, THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ADVICE FROM THE REMITTANCE/TELEGRAPHIC DEPT., IT HAS COME TO OUR NOTICE THAT THE C.B.N BANK NIGERIA DISTRICT HAS RELEASED 49,500,000.00 U.S DOLLARS INTO BANK OF AMERICA IN YOUR NAME AS THE BENEFICIARY, BY INHERITANCE MEANS. THE C.B.N BANK NIGERIA KNOWING FULLY WELL THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FACILITIES TO EFFECT THIS PAYMENT FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM TO YOUR ACCOUNT, USED WHAT WE KNOW AS A SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT PAYMENT S.T.D.P TO PAY THIS FUND THROUGH WIRE TRANSFER,THEY USED THIS MEANS TO COMPLETE THE PAYMENT. THEY ARE STILL, WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION FROM YOU ON THE ALREADY TRANSFERRED FUNDS WHICH WAS MADE IN DIRECT TRANSFER SO THAT THEY CAN DO FINAL CREDITING TO YOUR ACCOUNT. SECRET DIPLOMATIC PAYMENTS ARE NOT MADE UNLESS THE FUNDS ARE RELATED TO TERRORIST ACTIVITIES WHY MUST YOUR PAYMENT BE MADE IN SECRET TRANSFER , IF YOUR TRANSACTION IS LEGITIMATE,IF YOU ARE NOT A TERRORIST, THEN WHY DID YOU NOT RECEIVE THE MONEY DIRECTLY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT,THIS IS A PURE CODED ,MEANS OF PAYMENT? RECORDS WHICH WE HAVE HAD WIT! H THIS METHOD OF PAYMENT IN THE PAST HAS ALWAYS BEEN RELATED TO TERRORIST ACTS, WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO GET INTO TROUBLE AS SOON AS THESE FUNDS REFLECT IN YOUR ACCOUNT IN THE U.S.A, SO IT IS OUR DUTY AS A WORD WIDE COMMISSION TO CORRECT THIS LITTLE PROBLEM BEFORE THIS FUND WILL BE CREDITED INTO YOUR PERSONAL ACCOUNT. DUE TO THE INCREASED DIFFICULTY AND UNNECESSARY SCRUTINY BY THE AMERICAN AUTHORITIES WHEN FUNDS COME FROM OUTSIDE OF EUROPE, AND THE MIDDLE EAST, THE F.B.I BANK COMMISSION FOR EUROPE HAS STOPPED THE TRANSFER ON ITS WAY TO DELIVER PAYMENT OF $10,500,000.00 TO DEBIT YOUR RESERVE ACCOUNT AND PAY YOU THROUGH A SECURED DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT ACCOUNT (S.D.T.A). WE GOVERN AND OVERSEES FUNDS TRANSFER FOR THE WORLD BANK AND THE REST OF THE WORLD. WE ADVICE YOU CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY, AS THE FUNDS HAVE BEEN STOPPED AND ARE BEING HELD IN OUR CUSTODY ,UNTIL YOU CAN BE ABLE TO PROVIDE US WITH A DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER(DIST) WITHING 3 DAYS FROM THE WORLD LOCAL BANK THAT AUTHORIZE THE TRANSFER FROM WHERE THE FUNDS WAS TRANSFERRED FROM TO CERTIFY THAT THE FUNDS THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE FROM ARE ANTITERRORIST/DRUG FREE OR WE SHALL HAVE CAUSE TO CROSS AND IMPOUND THE PAYMENT,WE SHALL RELEASE THE FUNDS IMMEEDIATELY WE RECEIVE THIS LEGAL DOCUMENTS .
We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involve,we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive. Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name, but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them , unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you. Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and verifications from you before releasing the funds. So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money. You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don’t have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately. This Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don’t have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom U.K, because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by H.S.B.C Bank in London An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment, naturalization, or military service. THESE CONDITION IS VALID UNTIL 14TH OF MARCH 2008 AFTER WE SHALL TAKE ACTIONS ON CANCELLING THE PAYMENT AND THEN CHARGE YOU FOR ILLEGALLY MOVING FUNDS OUT OF NIGERIA . GURANTEE: FUNDS WILL BE RELEASED ON CONFIRMATION OF THE DOCUMENT. FINAL INSTRUCTION:60F CREDIT PAYMENT INSTRUCTION: IRREVOCABLE CREDIT GUARANTEE 61E BENEFICIARY HAS FULL POWER WHEN VALIDATION IS CLEARED 62 BENNEFICIARIES BANK IN U.S.A., CAN ONLY RELEASE FUNDS-62 UPON CONFIRMATION FROM THE WORLD BANK/UNITED NATIONS. 64 BEARERS MUST CLEAR BANK PROTOCOL AND VALIDATION REQUEST
NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights.. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country (i.e., Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history background, etc.) FBI Director Lavine Ferdon Fredon, III

My cat is a ridiculous animal

I have an Abyssinian. Her name is Blue. She is a retired model (ex show cat) that I was suckered into adopting. She's about the sweetest cat I've ever known, but she's insane. She only weighs about 2-2.3 kg (about 5#) & I think she's about 10 yrs old, but she acts like a 4 month old kitten. She is so unbelievably weird. She loves to chase the laser pointer, dust bunnies, paper, string, whatever. Sometimes she bats around invisible objects. I often wonder what exactly is going on in her tiny little walnut-sized brain, but I then remember that I probably don't want to know.
She is missing one of her canine (fangs) teeth, on the right side of her jaw. She drools when she purrs. She purrs all the time, or at least when she is in range of a human. The missing canine tooth allows the drool to run out of her mouth a little, which I believe tickles her. The tickling of the drool causes her to shake her tiny little head, flinging cat saliva all over the victim. She likes to get on people & 'make biscuits' on them, preferring areas such as the groin, or directly on the stomach right after you've eaten a large meal. And let me tell you from experience, it is less than pleasant. You see there is an equation that states that a cat's body weight is multiplied by some absurd factor when they are standing on certain sensitive area. It is an ability that cats alone possess that is a result of them being able to make themselves physically as dense as the center of a neutron star. Full stomach, sunburn, groin, whatever. These are all favorite & acceptable areas for cats to make biscuits, or knead the victim, all the while purring & appearing generally sweet as if they are there for your benefit, rather than your detriment. "What's that? I just ruptured your right testicle? But I'm being sweet & affectionate! How ever could this have come to pass? Oh deary me." That's what they're thinking. Trust me on this one. This cat is endlessly entertaining & I have no doubt that she will be the subject of future posts.
Top picture: Blue Cat takin' a bath in my recliner
Bottom picture: Blue Cat & Yukon the Space Husky checking out the prey out my back door.

How do I love my 16 year old...Scotch? Let me count the ways...

Well, my BFF got married in a very large southern state. It was a good time. A bunch of us flew in from the north, the west & the east. One of the guys I haven't seen in about 2 yrs. It was good to see him. The rest I got to see at Xmas '07, but it's rare for any of us to spend more than a few days together in one place, especially in w/o annoying family commitments of one kind or another. The groom I've know since '83. Most of the others I've known since grade school, or middle school at the least. We've all been pretty tight for getting on 20 yrs or more. Most of us still communicate on a pretty frequent basis, although that seems to decrease w/ having a spouse & even more so with a child. It seems that there aren't many people that can say that they still have a friend from grade school that they see or at least speak to on a regular basis & still consider them to be in their "inner circle." I have 5. & I have one that I started hanging out w/ in Jr. High when he was in high school. I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people alive when I think about that.
Now on to my point. While on this trip, at our bachelor party dinner, I sampled something that heretofore has remained under my radar. That to which I refer is likely, thinks I, what is truly Ambrosia, the Nectar of the Gods: Scotch Whiskey (http://www.scotchwhisky.net/malt/oban.htm). Specifically 14 year old Oban Scotch Whiskey. Drinking this wondrous beverage was to me the closest thing to actually being able to make love with your mouth, if by accomplishing that feat it was the best sex imaginable, and it was truly an unforgettable experience.
Now, we were at a Brazilian steak house, and already had sampled a few different delectable dishes and I suppose that the Scotch blended well with the various meats that I was sampling. Regardless, the smoothness, the pure precision of each and every carefully crafted sip aged over 14 years in Oban, Scotland. It's been made there since 1794! Can you imagine? More than 300 years of precision Scotch craftsmanship! Delicious.
I could go on...and on...and on. I don't even like hard liquor under normal circumstances. All I can say is that I didn't care much for the city that I visited, but I got to see my best friend commit himself to his life partner...and I fell in love with beautiful blond 14 year old...Scotch. It was indeed a time that will be remembered. That, and on February 23, 2008, one of us took the biggest dump he's ever taken and that's what that day will be remembered for.

That is all

Diary of an infuriated searcher of housing

Dear readers,

The following is my recent experience with trying to find a home to rent, as I found myself unexpectedly in the market for said home. This is 100% true exchange that I had with one of the local rental housing companies.


I am a recently single man who is finding myself in the predicament of having to find housing before the end of the month. I am looking for rental housing for the time being as I am hoping to begin attending a respected southern university in fall of 2008. Sounds not too complicated, right? Well, add in to the mix that I have a 55# Siberian Husky, as well as two indoor cats. They are my family. My dog is my very best friend in the world. He would never desert me, never let me down & he's been my constant companion for these last 11 1/2 years. You see, I am devil spawn for being an animal lover. I'm a veterinary technician by trade. Unfortunately, a hazard of the job of being a veterinary technician is the very sensitive Achilles Heel of actually liking animals and wanting them to be a part of my life, thereby vilifying me in the eyes of a great number of potential landlords. I understand this is actually a problem with some pet owners who don't care what their animals do to the property that they are renting. I care. While going through the headache of ending a long term relationship with someone I am very much in love with, I've been forced to deal with finding myself housing, which is further complicated by an unwillingness to be taken in (for a reasonable price) by most landlords or property owning companies. They do, however, have a willingness to charge the crap out of me and penalize me for things that my pets have yet to do. In one of my correspondences with a rental office, there were a series of emails that I will copy & paste below. It just seemed too good to just delete, & I also wanted other seekers of housing who have pets of their own to know that this is one company that claims to be 'pet friendly,' and is, indeed, not. I will put my interjections in italics. This is what I'm writing presently & was not included in the emails. I'm also coloring the correspondence from Carolina Apartments in blue. I wish I could somehow add the CSI sound effect immediately following the date/time stamp...Bong Bong...Sort of loses something when you have to type it out I guess.


December 11, 2007 10:01 AM
Dear Space Husky, Thank you for your interest in our community. I am pleased that you are considering Hall of Jerks Apartments as your new home! Hall of Jerks Apartments is professionally managed by Enormous Asswipe Corporation (EAC) and is located within close proximity to major employers, great shopping, excellent restaurants, and prominent schools. EAC has been in business for over 30 years and believes that "Residents are people first." You can visit our website at ____________ to view floor plans and photos or if you plan on visiting the area prior to your move, I welcome the opportunity to schedule an appointment with you. The best way to understand the value of our community is to experience it first hand. Currently, we are having a special. If you sign from 10 to 16 month lease, There is a $25 application fee and only $200 security deposit with approved credit. You will also get a free security alarm system. With the special our two bedroom with one and a half bath is $620 to $665 a month. This apartment is 918 square feet. The two bedroom with a den and one and one half bath is $740 to $775 a month. This apartment is 1029 square feet. The rent includes water, sewer and central trash removal. Our courteous and professional staff looks forward to welcoming you to your new home. We are pet friendly, and our pet fees are $150 1st pet, $100 second pet (non refundable) and $20 pet rent each. Please do not hesitate to call or email with any questions or concerns you may have. We are open M-F 8:30-5:30, Sat 10-5 and Sun 1-5. Kindest Regards, Hall of Jerks Apartments
Not too bad, huh? Well, note the 2nd to last paragraph.
My first response:

December 11, 2007 10:10 AM
Am I reading this right? You are actually charging rent for pets? $20 each?
Space Husky

Their next reply:

December 11, 2007 10:11 AM

Hi,

Yes there is a $20 pet rent fee.

Hall of Jerks Apartments.

My final response:

December 11, 2007 10:20 AM

Then please stop referring to yourself as pet friendly. That is, in fact, NOT pet friendly. In all the places that I've looked at, not one single place charges rent for the pets. It's ridiculous. Either don't allow pets or stop saying that you are pet friendly. I understand the pet deposit, and expect it. They are animals. Occasionally they do damage. But charging rent for pets is absurd. You don't need to respond to this. Clearly, I'm no longer a prospective renter.

Good day.

And, that was that. I'm still desperately seeking housing, but I'm just going to stop trying to get along with people who are either trying to cash in on my desperation and possibly come at them with guns blazing. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut, after all. So I wasn't sure about how to get my trials published, but I feel it needs to be somewhere. Someone needs to speak up for pet owners who don't own their own home. And don't get me started about home owners insurance that is negated by people that own 'vicious' dog breeds.

Sincerely,

Space Husky