Duplicity and Dichotomy

 Duplicity and dichotomy are two ideas that we all must deal with in life, or rather, I say we all should have to deal with. Some people are just so non-confrontational as to entirely sidestep any incidence where they must realize, and then act upon, a problem rooted in one of these two sometimes very daunting dilemmas.
So, I've been reading Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, for a few months now, and have come across his digression about dichotomy which just sparked my brain into overdrive for some reason. I have personally felt very sensitive to many dichotomous situations in my life, more so than others, which unfortunately leads me to sometimes serious indecision. But, thinking about that made me think about just how there are some major dichotomies in life that aren't really discussed.
  The first thing, and this will be highly contentious, is about men and faithfulness. I could find any number of scientific articles studying the basis for infidelity in men and whether or not it truly is in our genetic structure to propagate our own individual DNA as far & wide as possible, or if it is merely easier for men to do this, especially when children are involved, with the woman being the default caregiver in the event of a split in the parents, as it has been socially acceptable in most cultures across the world. In several studies, with varying degrees of statistics, men are anywhere from 1-2 times more likely to cheat. The actual numbers are, I suppose, irrelevant because I'm certain that there are many, many more people that cheat that will never show up in any statistics because they have never disclosed it, one spouse doesn't know about it, or both people decide to never discuss it again. I'm also sure that this happens on both sides of the fence too, but I'm still in the belief that men are more likely to cheat. Period.
  Talk about digression. My central premise here is about dichotomies. So, Mr. Pirsig got me to thinking about this stuff and about in my own personal life. I've never cheated on anyone I've ever been involved with, nor has anyone ever cheated on me. However, I just got out of a long term relationship. I was supposed to be getting married in August. In both this relationship and my last major relationship, in which I planned on marrying my partner, I was very much in love and had every intention of spending my life with both of them, in turn. But, I did things, or rather, did not do things that I knew, in my heart, would erect barriers between myself and my beloved. Why did I do these things? I do not know. I thought about cheating, but never did. It's not me. But, my subconscious worked against me and found other ways to undo me.
  I now feel that I cannot trust my own duplicitous nature and I do not know how to rectify this. I was in love, deeply, yet could not do things that I found undesirable to do, that are expected of everyone, at the cost of destroying plans that I had previously felt unshakable. This relationship that I recently got out of shook me absolutely to my core, in ways I did not expect. Along with the typical aftermath of losing the most important person in my life, I lost faith in myself to ever be able to maintain a healthy relationship, and to live up to my end of the deal.
  I have always pursued very intelligent, independent women, I guess because those are the kind of women in my family. In my experience, these women are very faithful types, without overgeneralizing. But now along with lack of faith in myself to be the kind of man that I felt that I was, I also have to contend with a new lack of faith in a potential partner. I have nothing in me now that can even begin to ever consider commitment to anyone again. A really good part of me has died over the last three months and I'm not certain that it can be revived.
  I have never liked being single, in fact detested it, but now am faced with that possibility for the rest of my life, with no one to blame but myself. My dichotomy is that I want that back, but fear it like the Plague.
  It's more than just waking up with someone next to me. It's more than just physical pleasure. It's having someone to share my life and my experiences, and having someone that shares their life and experiences with me.
  I guess I should have added 'digression' to the title of this post. This wasn't where I was intending to go exactly when I was thinking about what to write. I had intended to be more philosophical and not nearly so personal. I guess right now, while discussing matters of the heart, I cannot stay away from the personal side. My pain is still too great. I don't cry on a daily basis anymore, but there is just an unending sadness that will not subside. Anything I do to distract myself is merely a band-aid on an unhealing wound. Sooner or later I will have to deal with it, I just don't know how. More & more I'm thinking of going back to be around my family, all of whom are hundreds of miles away. I never thought that I would ever return home for more than just a visit, but maybe that's about to change.

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